Love Bombing

What is love bombing

Love bombing is a tactic used to achieve devotion from a person by overwhelming them with displays of affection and praise at the very beginning of a romantic relationship for the sole purpose of fostering dependency. It results in a powerful connection that is difficult to escape.

Some love bombing examples include your new partner, whom you have just started dating, claiming you are their soulmate. Such a start to a relationship might seem heavenly. You receive affectionate voicemails, lots of attention, and grand gestures. However, the ultimate goal of love bombing, masquerading as deep, yet misplaced, feelings of love, is full emotional control over the victim.

What does the love-bombing cycle mean

The love-bombing cycle usually repeats three stages: excessive affection that makes the partner dependent on the love bomber, followed by devaluation and manipulation, which ultimately discards the victim, only to try to win them back.

Let me explain each phase in more detail:

1. During idealization, the love bomber showers you with affection, gifts, and attention to hook you.
2. Next comes the devaluation stage, where your abusive partner becomes controlling and uses gaslighting and makes you doubt yourself. Ultimately, you become confused and insecure, which makes you an easy target for manipulation.
3. The cycle closes in complete disregard for you and your feelings. You are left alone and confused until the love bomber tries to reinstate the relationship. They will beg you to give them another chance and use love bombing just to drag you right back into the abusive cycle.

Is love bombing bad

Yes, love bombing is generally harmful. An unstable relationship dynamic, in which affection abruptly changes to complete disregard, can cause deep emotional turmoil and take a toll on how the victim perceives themselves and their mental health in general. Here are the negative psychological effects love bombing victims may experience:

• Emotional exhaustion caused by the abuser's constant control, manipulation, and whiplash.
• Anxiety triggered by sudden shifts in the partner's behavior (from idealizing to despising), which can ultimately lead to depression.
• Compromised self-esteem by a cycle of affection and rejection.
• Social withdrawal due to the love bombers' effort to isolate their victims.
• Emotional dependency due to the constant need for the abuser’s validation.

So, it would be of utmost importance to know the definition of love bombing and learn to recognize its signs.

Signs of love bombing

Here are some of the most common love bombing signs:

1. Excessive attention and communication
2. Overlooking boundaries
3. Excessive gifts and lavish gestures
4. Imitating future and quick commitments

Now, let's unfold each in more detail.

1. Excessive attention and communication

By definition, a love bomber is someone who makes an effort to consume the entirety of a person’s time and interest. To achieve this, they will text you relentlessly, call you constantly throughout the day, expecting you to always respond and be there for them. They want to create an environment where you feel isolated.

2. Overlooking boundaries

Couples are expected to establish and respect one another's boundaries in a healthy relationship. With love bombers, however, this is hardly the case. They, in fact, seek to control every aspect of your life. They monitor every incoming call and message, and if you opt to keep something to yourself, you may snoop around your phone, violating your digital borders.

If you feel your partner may be violating your personal privacy, it is important to take steps that would foster your emotional well-being and psychological freedom. Clario Anti Spy’s Unlok catcher can help you with that. Our tool secretly takes photos of anyone who unlocks your phone and stores them in a separate report. The intruders have no idea that their photo has been taken, so you needn't worry that they might confront you about it. You can review the photos and the time they were taken inside the Clario Anti Spy app.

Here’s how to use Clario Anti Spy’s Unlock catcher:

1. Download Clario Anti Spy on your mobile (it works on iOS and Android).
2. Locate the Unlock catcher feature.
3. Toggle the switch on to activate it.
4. Now, whenever someone tries to unlock your phone, the app will take a secret snap and store it in the record.

3. Excessive gifts and lavish gestures

Love bombers use presents to impress their victims. But this is only one part of the elaborate plan. Here are the major motives behind the love bomber's expensive gifts:

• Receive admiration and praise
• Foster the victim's emotional dependence
• Establish dominance and control
• Make their target more compliant with their wishes
• Feed their ego and inflated feelings of self-importance
• Make their partner feel obliged to stay in the relationship

Love bombers purchase expensive jewelry, elaborate surprise dates, and cover expenses such as traveling or paying rent. They hope to place a psychological chain over their partner so that the victim will feel guilty and stay in the relationship.

These gifts can later be used as a bargaining chip during arguments, such as "After everything I've done for you, how can you treat me like this?" See, the love bombers' expensive presents are mostly showy acts. The abuser will use them as a way to control and manipulate their victims into doing something and acting the way that fits the abuser.

4. Imitating future and quick commitments

Love bombers have a tendency to speed up the development of relationships. They bring you to their family and friends when you are still in the early stages of your courtship. Or, they may claim to dream of a future together with you, discussing having children, a house, and a wedding. They want to ensure you are in love and will go to extremes to keep the relationship going.

An exemplary case is the real story of Fionna, who bravely talked about her relationship with a love bomber on the BBC’s Love Bombed podcast. Her abusive partner gained her trust by being there for her when her sister died. He pursued her by constantly making her feel important and unique. When he thought he had emotional control over Fionna, he started to take control of her finances.

At first, he asked her to lend him certain sums. He'd made up stories in which he was robbed on a train and didn't have the resources to get home. He claimed that only she could save him, thus reinforcing her belief that she was important to him. Very soon, Fionna’s then-partner demanded that she explain how she had spent her own money. This way, she found herself completely trapped in a financially abusive relationship, which eventually transpired as a romance scam.  

Psychology behind love bombing

Love bombing typically stems from the love bomber's ego-gratifying maladaptive behavior and their need for excessive attention. To put it bluntly, they earn love and trust by lavishing attention on others. This tactic is their means to patch up the heightened anxiety and insecurity of the underlying attachment disorder.

When the target of love bombing begins to set boundaries, the abuser feels as if all is slipping out of their grasp, thus becoming more controlling. This leads to the devaluation stage of the cycle, where the abuser constantly blames the victim for making their partner "feel bad". Ultimately, the love bomber may end the relationship to restart the cycle by begging their partner to come back.

Why do men love bomb

In the context of psychological factors, men often love bomb because of personality disorders such as narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that constitutes an excessive need to feel important and manipulate others.

The fear of abandonment can also be the reason why men love bomb. Children who grow up with abuse and neglect develop insecurities that lead to attachment issues, manifesting as a fear of abandonment. As a result, the need for control that a love bomber seeks to satisfy, albeit consciously or subconsciously, may be stronger than the need to be in a loving relationship.

Both men and women can engage in love bombing, although the manifestation may differ for psychological and sociocultural reasons.

How to respond to love bombing

Should you feel that you could be a victim of love-bombing, it will be prudent to distance yourself and try to reflect on the situation with your friends, family, or a therapist.

1. Setting and enforcing boundaries

Tell your partner that you will need to take some time off to be on your own. You could say, “I enjoy the time that we share, I would love some free time to catch up with my friends and family.”

2. Seek support

In a controlling relationship, it is critical to find someone whom you can trust and confide in about your concerns. If a situation arises where you feel that you are in danger, you can get in contact with the National Domestic Violence Helpline, where you will be able to get professional help.

3. Slow down the relationship

If you believe your partner is hurrying you in order to "lock you in", share your feelings and explain that you prefer a more relaxed pace. The challenge is that with a love bomber, more often than not, they will try to make you feel bad for not wanting to speed things up, and they will likely try to change your mind about it.

Do love bombers come back

Yes, love bombers typically beg their victims to give them "one more chance" only to start their emotional abuse cycle all over again. Love bombing patterns can escalate in severity to the point where victims endure narcissistic stalking. Typically, in such cases, the only solution to break the cycle of abuse is to terminate the relationship entirely.

Is love bombing always bad

Yes, love bombing is predominantly harmful to the victim. However, it is important to differentiate between love bombing and the thrill of a new romance. True love is built on trust and respect and is a willingness to honor each other's boundaries. In contrast, love bombing creates a sense of anxiety and dependence on the partner. And if you try to end the relationship, the abuser will go out on a limb to keep you in their life.

If you are dealing with persistent unwanted attention, consider consulting with your lawyer or submitting stalker reports. For those who suspect they are being monitored digitally, it's also vital to understand which group of people is at the highest risk from cyberstalking.

Ultimately, it is your mental and physical well-being that you should keep foremost in your actions and decisions. Remember, a healthy relationship should be a source of stability and respect for you and your privacy, including the digital boundaries youäve set. Clario Anti Spy’s Unlock catcher can help you recognize red flags early on by taking secret shots and keeping a log of everyone who tries to unlock your phone.