Table of contents
- What is cycle of abuse
- Types of cycle of abuse
- 1. Tension building
- 2. Incident of violence
- 3. Reconciliation
- 4. Calm
- How to break cycle of abuse
- 1. Seek professional help
- 2. Confide in someone
- 3. Seek outside intervention
- 4. Regain your self-confidence
- Conclusion
What is cycle of abuse
The cycle of abuse is a theory that explains the predictable pattern of violence and control that keeps survivors in abusive relationships. It comprises three main stages (tension building, violent incident, reconciliation/honeymoon phase), and was first identified by Lenore E. A. Walker (a psychologist) in 1979.
Later on, experts added a fourth stage (calm) to describe the deceptively normal period after reconciliation and before tension building.
Note
Not all abusive relationships follow Lenore Walker’s cycle of abuse. Some abusers skip whole stages. For example, some abusive situations never have a honeymoon or calm phase.
Types of cycle of abuse
The cycle of abuse involves four stages, starting with a period of rising tension; the actual physical or verbal assault; the honeymoon or reconciliation phase; and a period of calm.
1. Tension building
The tension-building stage is when an abusive partner starts showing more irritation and control (building up to the violent climax). Abusers in this stage of the cycle become extremely irritable, withhold affection, and may overreact to minor issues. These frightening actions cause the survivor to shrink themselves and be ever-vigilant to an abuser’s mood swings.
Control in this first stage of the cycle of abuse can extend to technology, including phone checks, reading messages, or tracking locations. Early signs of the tension-building stage can include a husband spying on your phone or a partner demanding access to private accounts.
Sometimes, it’s not an outright demand for access. Some abusive partners can coax or pressure you to share your private details under the guise of building more trust. In fact, A 2024 report highlighted by the NNEDV found that while 85% of couples share digital access, 43% of all respondents admitted feeling pressured to share their private accounts.
If you’ve unwillingly shared access to your phone or suspect that your partner has installed secret, malicious software to monitor you, you can check your device for malicious apps safely with Clario Anti Spy’s Hidden app scan.
How to check your device with Clario Anti Spy’s Hidden app scan:
- Download Clario Anti Spy, and create an account.
- Tap Hidden app scan on the dashboard.
- Wait while it searches for spyware or hidden tracking apps.
- Follow the on-screen steps to remove any threats it finds.
Clario Anti Spy’s Hidden app scan helps you detect if anyone is secretly monitoring your calls, messages, or activities, which are all forms of digital abuse.
What else to look out for in the tension-building stage:
- Frequent arguments over minor matters
- Long periods of silence or emotional distance
- Monitoring of calls, messages, or movements
- Sudden rules about communication or daily routines (which could be disguised as "protection' or jealousy)
- A constant feeling of fear or pressure to keep the peace
2. Incident of violence
This stage is the culmination of all the tension from the first cycle of abuse. This is the violent stage of the cycle of abuse, and is when an abuser attacks the survivor. This could be through beatings, insults, blackmail, sexual violence, or the destruction of property.
What to look out for in the incident of violence stage:
- Rage or aggression
- Threats to life
- Name-calling or other degrading language
- Physical harm
- Breaking possessions to create fear
- Being blocked from leaving or calling for help
- Sexual assault and harassment
- Threats toward children, friends, relatives, or pets
- Emotional manipulation (denial and gaslighting)
3. Reconciliation
During the reconciliation stage, the abuser may cry, show affection, or appear deeply sorry. Lenore Walker describes this phase as a period of “loving contrition” that provides positive reinforcement and convinces the survivor to stay in the relationship.
This part of the cycle of abuse is highly effective at keeping survivors with an abusive partner. But do not be too hard on yourself or any of your loved ones in an abusive relationship. According to Katie Ray-Jones, CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, on average, it takes a survivor approximately 7 tries to leave a relationship for good.
In some abuse cases, a stalking narcissist abuser might bombard their partner with messages, follow them everywhere, or buy lots of gifts to pull them back into the cycle. In others, there may be no affection at all, merely a break from tension or violence. But that does not make it any less effective.
Even silence or neutrality can provide an illusion of safety for the survivor, and make them think an abuser will change.
What to look out for in the reconciliation stage:
- A bombardment of apologies
- Promises to change or attend therapy, followed by demands for forgiveness
- Explanations blaming stress, alcohol, jealousy, or external problems
- Sudden kindness, calmness, or affection after violence
- Promises to change, therapy plans, or apologies
- Gifts or gestures that feel out of character (love bombing)
Note
In some cases, there is no “calm” at all, and the atmosphere remains supercharged with tension. Lenore Walker notes that this is a sign that the risk of a possibly lethal incident is high.
4. Calm
This stage in the cycle of abuse is characterized by the presence of deceptive and false normalcy. It’s not truly “calm”. It’s just without tension.
In the calm stage, the abuser ignores the violence and acts as if nothing happened, usually in a bid to reset the cycle. An abuser might also deny what happened, minimize the damage, say the fight was exaggerated, or insist both people were at fault. This is called gaslighting, and is a form of psychological abuse which aims to make a survivor doubt their perception of events.
The person experiencing abuse begins to question what was real, wondering if they overreacted or misunderstood past events.
What to look out for in the calm stage:
- A false sense of peace or safety after violence
- Apologies that shift blame or rewrite what happened (e.g., “It wasn’t that bad,” “You were being…, so I…” or “No, I did not hit you, the door did...”).
- Silence or avoidance
- Unusually polite behaviour
- Relief mixed with self-doubt or guilt
How to break cycle of abuse
The first step to breaking the cycle of abuse involves you recognizing that the abuse is not your fault, that an abuser would most likely do it again, and that you’d need help to leave them safely.
Coming to this realization is challenging, though. Many survivors remain in abusive relationships due to a phenomenon known as mutual trauma bonding. Truma bonding is a powerful emotional connection formed through repeated episodes of violence followed by brief moments of respite from an abuser.
A trauma bond can make leaving an abuser difficult or confusing. But it is a normal psychological response to ongoing trauma, not a sign of true love.
You can get through this. The first step is to ask for professional help.
1. Seek professional help
Getting help from trained professionals is one of the safest ways to break a cycle of abuse.
Speaking with someone who understands domestic violence can make it easier to recognize your situation and create a safe exit strategy. They’d show you how to safely gather and store vital documents like IDs, passports, certificates, mortgage documents, or bank documents.
Therapists, trauma counselors, and psychologists can also help with the fear, PTSD, anxiety, and guilt that often follow abuse.
Professional help is especially important when digital control is part of the abuse. For example, if your boyfriend is stalking you through your phone or by tracking your location. In such a case, trauma-informed advocates can help guide you on how to protect yourself, collect evidence safely, and avoid alerting the abuser.
Where to get professional help for abuse:
- Community mental health centers that offer free or low-cost therapy for abuse survivors.
- Hospitals or primary care clinics that can refer you to behavioral health specialists.
- Faith-based counseling programs that include licensed professionals and confidentiality safeguards.
- University or college counseling services are available to students.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 24/7 confidential support (thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233).
- If you are outside the U.S., you can find local hotlines on the Find a Helpline support directory, which connects you to verified services in over 100 countries.
2. Confide in someone
Abuse thrives on isolation. Telling a trusted person about the abuse is difficult, but it is often a turning point in breaking the cycle of abuse. Sharing your experience helps you see that the abuse isn’t normal and neither is it your fault.
Your support system can also help you document abuse, provide secure shelter, plan for emergencies, and connect you to professional help.
3. Seek outside intervention
You may need outside help from people or services when escaping the cycle of abuse because your abuser has probably cut off your access to basic needs, or is threatening your loved ones.
Police officers, social workers, or domestic violence advocates can help arrange emergency shelter, protection orders, or legal support. If you are in immediate danger, go to a hospital or call the police ASAP.
Pro tip
Call 911 for urgent help in the United States. You can also find emergency numbers for other countries in this list.
Once you are safe, local programs can guide you through the next steps, such as finding a secure place to stay, completing legal paperwork, and getting assistance with finances or childcare.
Some support organizations to reach out to include:
- Love is Respect: This organization supports young people in relationships (loveisrespect.org, call 1-866-331-9474, or text “LOVEIS” to 22522).
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Provides support for sexual assault survivors: rainn.org or call 1-800-656-4673
You might need evidence of abuse and stalking when looking for legal intervention. Having clear signs of abuse, like digital monitoring, can help authorities or advocates understand what is happening.
Clario Anti Spy’s Unlock Catcher can take a photo whenever someone tries to unlock your phone without permission and stores it as proof that an abuser is tampering with your device.
How to turn on Clario Anti Spy’s Unlock catcher:
- Download Clario Anti Spy, and open an account.
- Toggle the Unlock catcher feature on.
- Check the saved photos later once you’re in a safe place.
4. Regain your self-confidence
Abuse eats at your confidence. It makes you doubt your strength and forces you to feel unloved, even by yourself. But you’re far from weak. You’ve survived a terrible ordeal and are in a better place.
You can rebuild your confidence through positive affirmations and activities that help increase serotonin levels.
Start with small habits that improve your mood every day. Document your feelings. You can journal, create a plan for the day, or speak with a trusted person. Spend time on mindful activities that help you appreciate where you are now.
Your confidence will return with time.
Conclusion
Sometimes, breaking the cycle of abuse may take external help. And that's okay.
Talk to someone trained to handle abuse cases, such as a counselor, social worker, or local support service. These trauma-informed professionals can help you recognize abuse, understand your options, and find resources for housing or legal protection.
Digital safety is also part of staying protected in abusive situations. Clario Anti Spy’s Hidden app scan can help you check your phone for hidden tracking apps installed by an abusive partner. The Unlock catcher also alerts you if someone tries to unlock your device without your consent.
It’s a simple way to keep your privacy secure while you plan your escape. Stay safe. Install Clario Anti Spy.
